Chop the tree and it will keep growing back…
My past self is guilty of being the over insecure, over jealous girl. Just something about another woman being around would instantly put me in a mindset of competition. Looking back, I often wonder what the hell I was competing for at Walmart, Home Depot, McDonalds…… How was I instantly in competition mode just buying milk and bread? It was definitely a heart and mind problem. I was dealing with unhealed trauma and shadows that I was ignoring. I have since learned that there are roots to every tree and to deal with the tree you have to access the roots. The tree for me was the competitive, hateful mindset and the roots were the trauma I went through in my past that I never addressed. Once I started addressing the root problem and trauma, I was able to fix the mind and heart problem of insecurity and lack of self love.
It took facing the hard truth and actually being honest with myself to get to that self love and self trust I was missing. If you know someone doesn’t love you, or even like you, you are not going to trust them, at all. That is just natural. If you know someone doesn’t like you, they are probably going to be the last person you would share a secret with. So I definitely couldn’t trust myself knowing I didn’t like or love myself. It felt impossible to genuinely love others because of the battle I was dealing with internally. I wish I could tell you there was a specific Redbull flavor that washed it away. I wish I could tell you I found a magical self help book that helped and changed everything for me after reading it. There isn’t and I didn’t. I was at a loss and I decided to reach out to my doctor and ask for help. She prescribed me Prozac and I immediately started taking it everyday without missing a dose. I started feeling so much better within the first week. I did have a painful jaw for a few days when my dose increased but after that, it was smooth sailing. I take it before bed every night to make sure I don’t forget to take it.
I was finally able to start working on my roots with honesty and self-control. It was hard for me to share with others that I started taking medicine to help me but then I asked myself for the reason. Why is it so hard to say I sought out help and now I am so much better? I went through a lot in my life that I am not able to write about and share with the world so I needed help dealing with the trauma and that is 100% okay. I realized I have no reason to be ashamed of wanting to be a better woman for not only myself but my children. The last thing I want is for my kids to grow up and not know how to properly regulate their emotions and how to properly deal with problems. So now, I am proud of my transparency. I reached out and got help and now I don’t go into defense mode anytime I am around another woman. I don’t get angry over little things and I feel so much more in control of my thoughts, feelings, and reactions. It is okay to need help, especially when you are dealing with trauma you didn’t cause. At some point in your life, you have to realize the people who are judging and being hateful are people that haven’t dealt with their roots. More and more branches grow on their tree every time they see someone happy and healing because that is where they want to be but they don’t know how to get there.
What is a behavior you don’t like about yourself that you would like to work on and change? What is the root cause of that behavior? Can you think back to a specific moment or event that sprouted the roots? How does that behavior cause you to react in public situations, your work environment, your relationships?
You don’t need to figure out a game plan in this moment to target those roots. Just acknowledge them. Acknowledge the behavior and the wrong and just be honest in this moment with yourself about it.
Okay, love you guys byeeeee.
